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CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

According to certain members here, they have proof that Hollywood storylines have become reality, so we have luminescent proteins coursing through our veins that can be tracked, sadly they missed the film about how a minuscule luminous light source can be tracked other than in a hospital situation.

But wait, there's more.

We also have microchips flowing around inside disguised as nano-particles invented on some movie set and now available at your nearest Walmart.

Then there is 5G which apparently, although in limited use, has created and influenced the covid virus, never mind the fact that radio waves have been passing through living bodies since cave man-days, but have now, in the 21st century, decided the time is right to affect humans, just humans mind you, as dogs, cats etc have superior brains obviously.
Never mind the fact that people living in areas where there is no 1G 2G 3G 4G 5G, still get the same ailments as those in large cities where phone signals are rampant.

Don't believe me? Then go and read Infowars, the gateway pundit and Anon, after all, they would never lie.

Or would they?

We don't need to get philosophical about it. It makes a sound. It does. Do you need to see webcam video as proof? It makes a sound and that's my final answer!

NEW YORK, NY — District Attorney Alvin Bragg is reportedly set to indict Trump this coming Tuesday for the removal of a mattress tag back in 1997. According to sources, new evidence was discovered in the mattress tag cold case by grizzled Detective Harry Jakes, who utilized modern advances in forensic science to place former president Donald Trump at the scene of the crime.

"We got him dead to rights," said Bragg in an unnecessary press conference. "No one removes a mattress tag in my city and gets away with it!"

The mattress tag in question belonged to a Spring Air Conforma Foam mattress from '97, which historians claim featured a warning label advising mattress tags to not be removed:

Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law Except by the Consumer



In a surprise move, Trump has not denied the troubling accusation, though he maintains doing so was not illegal. "The tag says 'except by consumer.' I am a huge consumer. Probably the greatest consumer ever, and I had every right to remove that tag. The deep state is trying to dig up anything they can just to keep me from reclaiming the presidential throne."

"Witch hunt!"

Independent fact checkers have rated Trump's claim "a bald-faced lie," citing the fact that the president does not sit on a throne. Also, he is Trump and that is bad. The fact-check article does not make mention of the mattress tag issue directly, but does note, " broke both federal and international laws probably."

A United Nations committee has been assembled to investigate whether the matter qualifies as a war crime.

"This is an open and shut case. Now he'll never be president. I did it!" Bragg claimed before quickly correcting himself. "I mean, no one is above the law."

At publishing time, Trump's approval polling surged among mattress consumers who have long been befuddled by the mattress tag warning.

I've no-one to pick my bad mood out on, with

Anyone in the mood for taking, stick

A new analysis of samples collected from a Wuhan seafood market has suggested for the first time a concrete link between some of the wild animals being illegally sold there and the origins of the COVID-19 pandemic, The Atlantic reported on Thursday.

The evidence points to raccoon dogs as the likely culprit, according to the analysis, which found that the animals may have been carrying and shedding the virus near the end of 2019.

The research was conducted by an international team of virologists, genomicists, and evolutionary biologists, according to The Atlantic—and though it’s not 100 percent definitive proof, it’s “a really strong indication that animals at the market were infected,” said Angela Rasmussen, a virologist involved in the investigation.

“There’s really no other explanation that makes any sense.” The magazine’s report comes just days after an Economist/YouGov poll showed that nearly two-thirds of Americans favor the lab leak theory over natural occurrence.

Over my lifetime, I spent 95% of my money on booze, drugs, and parties. The rest I just wasted

After a few weeks of dating, a country girl decides to bring her hillbilly boyfriend home to meet her mother. Mom took one look at the guy and already form an opinion of disapproval. She listen with a 'half-ear' about their future plans to marry.
Hoping to stop the relationship, mom said "Did you tell him about your medical condition?"

The boy's eyes widened and he asked "What medical condition?"
Mom replied "She's got acute angina."
With a sigh of relief, he smiled at mom and said...
"Well, that's a good thing, because her tits ain't nutthin' to brag about!"

I think there is a connection between more brain dead people being born and poor quality Chinese made rubbers

Friend A – conversational bridge – always a competition. Worse, better, always the need to take the trick. Example – idle comment – “I’ve just done (insert neutral topic here) it was okay. Response - I did that once, it was rubbish / fantastic. Long involved details follow. You win.

Friend B - attention span issues. Example – Yesterday I tried adding lime pepper to my pasta and – ooh I saw something on cooking the other day, let me show you, and out comes the phone tap tap tap here see that. Well okay but what I meant was – did I tell you about the shoes I just bought? I took a photo, tap tap tap, look. So I give up but friend is waiting expectantly for the next topic to interrupt . . .

Friend C – the persistent grouch. I walked the dog for over an hour, I’m absolutely knackered. That must be nice. It’s hard for me to walk since the pain started in my foot. Have you seen a doctor about that yet? What’s the point there’s nothing they can do just a waste of time and money doctors are so expensive and all they do is give you the pills the pharma companies want them to promote

Friend D – the partner fixation – what did you think of the (insert situation here) I’ll have to come back to you on that, partner has not yet told me how we feel about that.

I think I need a few new friends, I've used these ones up. But if it's me ...