Most Liked Comedy Blogs (1,864)

I went to make an ooey gooey cheese sauce because a good sauce can be used to make many things taste better. I watched a you tube video for an easy sauce using 1 teaspoon of sodium citrate in broth. I don't know what sodium citrate is but I bought it and tried twice to make this easy cheese sauce. I only made an ugly cheese glob, a very tasty glob mind you. Not experimenting with that sodium citrate anymore.

My bro and BFF that he married both love dill pickles so I wanted to coat pickles in cheese and fry them - that didn't turn out so good either. I should be able to make taco shells from cheese but what I end up making is NOT a taco shell dammit. Whatever my end result is, it is edible and tasty but not a crunchy taco shell.

A taco truck was hanging out for months in front of my community and the other day I decided after 8 months on not eating anything processed - I was going to stop at that taco truck on my way home and buy a taco. When I got home - the truck was gone, had no clue it was going to move or where it went. I was having a bad day that day.

I'm on a mission to eat a really good taco.

The Tiger Moth is regarded as among the most famous training aircraft ever. More than 7,300 Tiger Moths were constructed; this biplane was preferred by civilian and military training schools in the UK. Militaries in England, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand trained their fighter pilots on the Tiger Moth. After the Second World War, the RAF phased out this plane. The de Havilland Chipmunk replaced it. Many Tiger Moths ended up in the civilian market that had a huge demand for light aircraft. Today, the various models of the de Havilland Tiger Moth can be seen in aviation museums and private collections all over the world.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen politician lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of a. country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

(Ronald Reagan was the best governor California ever had, and a great President....) (USA)

How To Shower Like a Man
Turn on immersion heater and wait hours for water to reheat after wife's shower.
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and throw them on bedroom floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo.....perfumed one
Fart again.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of enclosure or door not closed properly the whole time.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on..
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.............

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette"
"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs,
"Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!

Golf is always a man’s first love.

The first apple.(this..A. Red head)
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
( redhead would be able to think that
fast!!!! Brilliant …..)

The following were the joke answers given by comedians, before attempting the correct answer;

Question = If you want to be liked by your boss, where should you sit, relative to your boss ?

Joke Answer by Whitney Cummings = "On his lap."

Question = True or false, the number one most popular drug being smuggled into jails last year was Viagra ?

Joke Answer by Byron Allen = "Oh man ! That's truly doing hard time."

Question = True or false, when conversing with someone you like, you generally blink more often ?

Joke Answer by John Lovitz = "Yeah, but that's due to the pepper spray."

The Male Cycle:
1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big ti*ts.
2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ti*ts, but there was no passion. I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.
4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
5. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find someone with some real ambition.
6. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
7. I'm older and wiser now and I’m looking for a woman with big ti*ts........