Here is a list of Comedy Blogs ordered by Most Liked, posted by members. A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you've learned. Post an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Update your blog on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with others. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about others. Click here to post a blog.
Drug Kingpin El Chapo outraged !
Today in The New Yorker;
Yeah, I would guess, that almost all of the guilty criminals would not want witnesses allowed during their trials. Hopefully, there won't be any like that to set a precedent.
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
1/30/2020
El Chapo Outraged That His Trial Included Witnesses
By Andy Borowitz
FLORENCE, COLORADO (The Borowitz Report)—The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “outraged” his 2019 trial had included witnesses. He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them.
Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses.
“If I had to point to one reason why I was convicted of all of those crimes, it would have to be witnesses,” he said. “Once the decision was made to include witnesses, things really went downhill for me.”
El Chapo said that, at the time of his trial, he had been totally unaware that it was possible to have a trial without any witnesses at all.
“I didn’t know that was a thing,” he said. “If someone had told me that you could have a witness-free trial, that’s the route I would have gone, for sure.”
The former criminal mastermind said that he was now actively seeking a new trial without witnesses because, in his opinion, “witnesses ruin everything.”
“For the good of the country, it’s time to move on,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
1/30/2020
El Chapo Outraged That His Trial Included Witnesses
By Andy Borowitz
FLORENCE, COLORADO (The Borowitz Report)—The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “outraged” his 2019 trial had included witnesses. He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them.
Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses.
“If I had to point to one reason why I was convicted of all of those crimes, it would have to be witnesses,” he said. “Once the decision was made to include witnesses, things really went downhill for me.”
El Chapo said that, at the time of his trial, he had been totally unaware that it was possible to have a trial without any witnesses at all.
“I didn’t know that was a thing,” he said. “If someone had told me that you could have a witness-free trial, that’s the route I would have gone, for sure.”
The former criminal mastermind said that he was now actively seeking a new trial without witnesses because, in his opinion, “witnesses ruin everything.”
“For the good of the country, it’s time to move on,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Yeah, I would guess, that almost all of the guilty criminals would not want witnesses allowed during their trials. Hopefully, there won't be any like that to set a precedent.
Quote of the day
In response to:
Mitch McConnell today left DC with Donald Trump for a Super Bowl party at Mar-A-Lago.
And isn't American system of justice all about the foreman of the jury celebrating with the defendant before a verdict?
Mitch McConnell today left DC with Donald Trump for a Super Bowl party at Mar-A-Lago.
And isn't American system of justice all about the foreman of the jury celebrating with the defendant before a verdict?
~ Janice Hough
online today!
Blond Men Jokes
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and mine's wet."
-----------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------
A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe.
------------------------------
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and mine's wet."
-----------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------
A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe.
------------------------------
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!
Dr. Fauci's smoothest move yet !
Yesterday in The New Yorker;
Hopefully, this non-essential employee will also lose his cell phone.
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Fauci Urges Non-Essential Worker to Go Home
By Andy Borowitz
April 3, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged a non-essential employee of the White House Coronavirus Task Force to go home immediately, Fauci confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters, the esteemed virologist said that he made the decision to expel the worker for “the health and safety of others.”
“He said that he felt fine coming to work every day,” Fauci said. “I told him, ‘You may feel fine, but by coming into work you are endangering the lives of countless others.’ ”
Fauci said that his decision to send the non-essential worker home was based on the most recent scientific findings.
“What we’re learning is that breathing and talking can put lives in jeopardy, and this one worker did more breathing and talking than anyone else on the team,” he said.
The employee is expected to spend fourteen hours a day in isolation watching television, a two-hour increase from his normal routine.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Fauci Urges Non-Essential Worker to Go Home
By Andy Borowitz
April 3, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged a non-essential employee of the White House Coronavirus Task Force to go home immediately, Fauci confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters, the esteemed virologist said that he made the decision to expel the worker for “the health and safety of others.”
“He said that he felt fine coming to work every day,” Fauci said. “I told him, ‘You may feel fine, but by coming into work you are endangering the lives of countless others.’ ”
Fauci said that his decision to send the non-essential worker home was based on the most recent scientific findings.
“What we’re learning is that breathing and talking can put lives in jeopardy, and this one worker did more breathing and talking than anyone else on the team,” he said.
The employee is expected to spend fourteen hours a day in isolation watching television, a two-hour increase from his normal routine.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Hopefully, this non-essential employee will also lose his cell phone.
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane...
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
Dr. Fauci urges pharmaceutical companies to help milions of people with development of one pill
Today in The New Yorker;
Never before would 1 pill provide relief for so many.
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Fauci Begs Pharma Companies to Speed Development of Anti-Narcissism Drug
By Andy Borowitz
April 9, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that “time is of the essence,” Dr. Anthony Fauci is imploring the nation’s pharmaceutical companies to fast-track the development of a drug to treat narcissism.
Acknowledging that narcissistic-personality disorder has historically been resistant to medication, the esteemed virologist said that a breakthrough drug was “urgently needed.”
“I have seen the toll that narcissism takes, day in, day out,” Fauci said. “The human cost is incalculable.”
Without offering scientific evidence or data, Fauci argued, “Successfully treating one narcissist could substantially reduce the misery and suffering of millions.”
The epidemiologist said that, as soon as a promising anti-narcissism drug is developed, he would “personally mastermind” its clinical trials.
For the purpose of those trials, Fauci said, it would be optimal to manufacture the drug as a pill or anything else “that could be easily crushed and dissolved in a Diet Coke.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Fauci Begs Pharma Companies to Speed Development of Anti-Narcissism Drug
By Andy Borowitz
April 9, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that “time is of the essence,” Dr. Anthony Fauci is imploring the nation’s pharmaceutical companies to fast-track the development of a drug to treat narcissism.
Acknowledging that narcissistic-personality disorder has historically been resistant to medication, the esteemed virologist said that a breakthrough drug was “urgently needed.”
“I have seen the toll that narcissism takes, day in, day out,” Fauci said. “The human cost is incalculable.”
Without offering scientific evidence or data, Fauci argued, “Successfully treating one narcissist could substantially reduce the misery and suffering of millions.”
The epidemiologist said that, as soon as a promising anti-narcissism drug is developed, he would “personally mastermind” its clinical trials.
For the purpose of those trials, Fauci said, it would be optimal to manufacture the drug as a pill or anything else “that could be easily crushed and dissolved in a Diet Coke.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Never before would 1 pill provide relief for so many.
The 'Craziest' Idea yet to Fight the Virus
Today in The New Yorker;
I've watched a lot of both Governor Murphy & Governor Cuomo's daily briefings. They've both done an effective job. However, Cuomo takes more time to explain, consider and essentially embrace & refute alternatives. I feel he resonates better with the public, explaining why he carefully considers and chooses methods. While he got little support in campaigning, honestly, he is very presidential in his leadership, and something this country has sorely missed since Obama left office.
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Nation’s Governors Consider Forming Country
By Andy Borowitz
April 13, 2020
AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—In order to better coördinate their efforts to combat the coronavirus, the nation’s governors are considering the extraordinary step of forming a country.
The radical proposal is an unusual bipartisan effort, spearheaded by the Democratic governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, and the Republican Governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine.
“Mike and I were bidding against each other for masks and ventilators, and I was, like, ‘Mike this is crazy,’ ” Whitmer said. “ ‘It would be so much better if we just worked together and formed a country.’ ”
DeWine said that Whitmer’s proposal of creating a country out of the fifty states “made a lot of sense.”
“It was one of those moments where someone throws out a nutty idea and you think, ‘Hold on, let’s think on that for a second,’ ” he said.
While the idea of the fifty states coming together to form a country is still in the embryonic stage, DeWine said that the states would ideally create a “federal government” led by a “President.”
“We’re all in agreement that it would be amazing to have a President right now,” DeWine said.
A straw poll of the governors indicates that the front-runner for President of this yet-to-be-named country is one of their own: Governor Andrew Cuomo, of New York.
“Andrew keeps saying that he doesn’t want to be President,” Whitmer said. “And I’m, like, ‘Dude, you already are.’ ”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Nation’s Governors Consider Forming Country
By Andy Borowitz
April 13, 2020
AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—In order to better coördinate their efforts to combat the coronavirus, the nation’s governors are considering the extraordinary step of forming a country.
The radical proposal is an unusual bipartisan effort, spearheaded by the Democratic governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, and the Republican Governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine.
“Mike and I were bidding against each other for masks and ventilators, and I was, like, ‘Mike this is crazy,’ ” Whitmer said. “ ‘It would be so much better if we just worked together and formed a country.’ ”
DeWine said that Whitmer’s proposal of creating a country out of the fifty states “made a lot of sense.”
“It was one of those moments where someone throws out a nutty idea and you think, ‘Hold on, let’s think on that for a second,’ ” he said.
While the idea of the fifty states coming together to form a country is still in the embryonic stage, DeWine said that the states would ideally create a “federal government” led by a “President.”
“We’re all in agreement that it would be amazing to have a President right now,” DeWine said.
A straw poll of the governors indicates that the front-runner for President of this yet-to-be-named country is one of their own: Governor Andrew Cuomo, of New York.
“Andrew keeps saying that he doesn’t want to be President,” Whitmer said. “And I’m, like, ‘Dude, you already are.’ ”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
I've watched a lot of both Governor Murphy & Governor Cuomo's daily briefings. They've both done an effective job. However, Cuomo takes more time to explain, consider and essentially embrace & refute alternatives. I feel he resonates better with the public, explaining why he carefully considers and chooses methods. While he got little support in campaigning, honestly, he is very presidential in his leadership, and something this country has sorely missed since Obama left office.
online today!
Vaccine...
His name was Eugene and he took some vaccine...
Everything was keen until his skin turned green...
The doctors hadn't see anything like Eugene,
So they cut out his spleen and he began to to get mean.
(more later, I'm off to work)
Everything was keen until his skin turned green...
The doctors hadn't see anything like Eugene,
So they cut out his spleen and he began to to get mean.
(more later, I'm off to work)
CDC reacts to Mike Pence
Fom The New Yorker;
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
C.D.C. Director Says Coronavirus Effort Could Be Helped by Quarantining Pence
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence.
Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an AIDS outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step.”
“Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”
The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.
Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated
, and I do not know how to use a computer 
,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian,
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
C.D.C. Director Says Coronavirus Effort Could Be Helped by Quarantining Pence
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence.
Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an AIDS outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step.”
“Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”
The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.
Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated
, and I do not know how to use a computer ,” he said.Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian,
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Consistent Testing results for AG, Bill Barr
Today from The New Yorker;
No real surprise. He's passed the test of no integrity since being appointed.
Whether it was the untruthful interpretation of Mueller's report, pressuring prosecutors, or
judges, clearly he has no loyalty to the judicial system, nor justice in general.
His loyalty is only to his mob boss.
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity
By Andy Borowitz
May 8, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.
“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”
Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.
“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.
“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity
By Andy Borowitz
May 8, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.
“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”
Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.
“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.
“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
No real surprise. He's passed the test of no integrity since being appointed.
Whether it was the untruthful interpretation of Mueller's report, pressuring prosecutors, or
judges, clearly he has no loyalty to the judicial system, nor justice in general.
His loyalty is only to his mob boss.
A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, your thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you have learned. It's your own page on Connecting Singles that you can update on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. You can write about an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with Connecting Singles members. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about members you have met here. Please be sure to read the blog rules before posting.
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