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Satire from The Borowitz Report

Kim Jong Un Told Trump He Was Too Busy Developing Ballistic Missiles to Help Him with Biden Thing

By Andy Borowitz

5:40 P.M.

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump asked Kim Jong Un to help dig up dirt on Joe Biden,
but Kim said that he was “too busy developing ballistic missiles” to do so, the North Korean dictator confirmed on Thursday.

“I remember getting a call from him about the Biden thing, I want to say in August,” Kim told reporters.
“And I was, like, ‘I am super busy developing a new generation of ballistic missiles right now.’ ”

Kim said that he recalled Trump being “very understanding” and saying that he would “try some other countries.”

Although the conversation was apparently pleasant, the North Korean leader remembered thinking that Trump’s request for dirt on Joe Biden was “kind of weird.”

“I said to him, ‘Are you sure you should be calling foreign leaders for this kind of thing?’ ” Kim recalled.
“ ‘Have you really thought this through?’ ”


Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

In response to:

Satire from The Borowitz Report

Giuliani Kidnapped by Ukrainian Circus

By Andy Borowitz

10:30 A.M.

KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—While on a mission to Ukraine to acquire information about the business dealings of Hunter Biden, Rudy Giuliani was kidnapped by a travelling Ukrainian circus, Giuliani confirmed on Tuesday.

“It was the strangest thing,” he told reporters. “I was on a street corner talking to some people about the Bidens, and these guys came up to me and said, ‘Come with us.’ I thought they were taking me to a cable-news studio.”

Where they were taking him, it turned out, was the Krychevsky Wonder Show, a popular family-owned circus that has been travelling around Ukraine since 1873.

“We saw this guy acting entirely bizarre, and we decided we had to have him in our circus,” Oleh Krychevsky, its current proprietor, said. “It’s hard to find a sideshow attraction with that much potential.”

For two days, Giuliani filled a giant tent at Krychevsky’s, regaling audiences with tales of CrowdStrike, Burisma, and a person named Alexandra Chalupa. But soon his relationship with the circus soured.

“Even after the crowds went home, and we were all ready for bed, he wouldn’t stop talking,”
Krychevsky, who ultimately fired Giuliani from the circus, said. “He is exhausting.”

Only after Giuliani’s tenure with the circus was over did Krychevsky learn the man’s true identity.
“I was told he was the former mayor of New York,” he said. “I still find that impossible to believe.”


Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

In response to:
Satire from the Borowitz Report.

“How Has This Bastard Not Been Impeached Yet?” Nixon Asks in Hell

By Andy Borowitz

6:14 P.M.

HELL (The Borowitz Report)—The former President Richard M. Nixon became the latest person to call for Donald J. Trump’s impeachment on Monday, holding an extraordinary press conference in Hell to do so.

“I see the news every day and I shake my head,” Nixon said, the infernal flames of Hades licking his jowls. “How has this bastard not been impeached yet?”

The former President said that the Watergate scandal, which led to his resignation from office, was “like jaywalking” compared to Trump’s interactions with a foreign government.

“I’ll admit that my subversion of democracy wasn’t ideal, but this Ukrainian business is some next-level shit,” Nixon said.

Though clearly aggrieved that Trump has thus far received more favorable treatment from Congress than he did, he showed some grudging admiration for the current occupant of the White House. “If he’s not impeached, he’s the luckiest bastard in the world, and I’ll tell him that when he gets down here,” Nixon said.

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.