Last Viewed Comedy Blogs (1,864)

Democrat Convention Schedule
Monday, July 25, 2016

11:15 AM
Free lunch, medical marijuana, and bus ride to the Convention
Forms distributed for Food Stamp enrollment.

1:30 PM
Group Voter Registration for Illegal Immigrants.

3:15 PM
Address on "Being the Real You"
Rachel Dolezal, former Head of the Seattle NAACP and
Caitlyn Jenner

4:30 PM
"How to Bank $200 Million as a
Public Servant and claim to be broke"
Hillary Clinton

4:45 PM
How to have a successful career
Without ever having a job, and
Still avoid paying taxes!
A Seminar Moderated by Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson

5:00 PM
Medals of Freedom presentation to
Army deserter Bo Bergdahl
For serving with Honor and Distinction
National Security Advisor Susan Rice

5:30 PM
Invitation-only Autograph Session
Souvenir photographs of Hillary and
Chelsea dodging Sniper Fire in Bosnia

6:30 PM
General vote on praising Baltimore rioters,
And on using the terminology
"Alternative Shoppers" instead of “Looters"

7:30 PM
Breakout session with Bill Clinton
For women on avoiding the upcoming draft

8:30 PM
The White House "Semantics Committee" Meeting
General vote on re-branding "Muslim Terrorism" as
"Random Acts of Islamic Over-Exuberance"

9:00 PM
"Liberal Bias in Media“ How we can make it work for you!
Tutorial sponsored by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, PBS,
The Washington Post and the New York Times
With Guest Speaker, Brian Williams

9:15 PM
Tribute Film to the Brave Freedom Fighters
Still incarcerated at GITMO
Michael Moore

9:45 PM
Personal Finance Seminar -
"Businesses Don't Create Jobs"
Special guest Pocahontas
aka Elizabeth Warren

11:00 PM
Short film, "Setting Up Your Own Illegal
Email Server While Serving in A
Cabinet Post and How to Pretend
It's No Big Deal"
Hosted by Hillary Clinton

11:30 PM
Official Nomination of Hillary
Bill Maher and Chris Matthews

SOMEBODY SPENT A LOT OF PREMIUM TIME PUTTING THIS AGENDA TOGETHER.
DON'T LET IT GO TO WASTE

(NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE)

We're now 26 days from the U.S. Presidential election. The major party nominees have succeeded in unifying Murkuns to an extent undreamed of in modern times.



It is generally, if not unanimously, recognized that these two are the worst, most despised candidates for high office in the history of the Republic.

The author lady from Scotland has suggested it is the worst matchup in the history of Western Civilization.

Could be.

Is it possible at this point to replace them with more acceptable alternatives?
I'm taking nominations to replace...

and


Y'all may nominate replacement candidates in comments below, using this simple example as a format...

...Bonnie
...Clyde

The field is wide open.
Nominees are not required to have been born in Murka.
Nor are they required to be living. (See example above.)
They don't even have to be real.

I'd like to keep this blog positive...a search for BETTER replacements.

However, feel free to also suggest any replacements which might actually be WORSE than...



...if that be possible.

The chairman now opens the floor for nominations.

......

This page is for CS couples that have a joint account here.......

Click onto the pic if you can't see all of it....




.......

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stirring call for unity and peace in America, President Biden today called for killing off half the country.

"It's real simple, folks! " said President Biden. "America can be united if we can just murder everyone who disagrees with me. Peace in our time, Jack!"

While most Democrats agreed with Biden's understatedly brilliant plan, some expressed concern that he was getting ahead of himself. "We've only just recently introduced the idea that anyone who disagrees with us is a dangerous extremist who deserves to die," said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. "You've got to give that a little more time to marinate before we really start taking them out."

Republicans argued that telling people you disagree with to die isn't really unity, but to no avail. "Hey, I tried asking nicely for you to stop disagreeing with me," said Biden. "But you Republicans are making unity impossible by insisting on saying I'm wrong. So we've got to do what any good democracy does - kill all of you."

At publishing time, Biden accused Republicans of violence after they reportedly started buying guns to defend themselves from extermination.

You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish.

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh,' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

Ever wondered why no one wrote or made a movie about Cinderella after she got married ...they lived happily ever after??? my arss ...

Would you like to know what really Happened -???

She was a Witch who loved to party all night ,stilettos, lingerie ,Sado-Maso ,...Her poor Prince had no chance , he died miserably after the wedding night ...
The End

no wonder no one told you about it

Wife asked her husband to describe her, husband said "you're A B C D E F G H I J K." Wife asked "what does that mean?"

The husband said "adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fair, gorgeous, hot."

She said "oh thats so lovely, what about I J K?"

He replied "I'm just kidding!"

Calling long distance , hi, your me, please don’t ride that bike today,
Don’t ever eat McDonalds, don’t tell dad you found his porno, don’t fall
In line too easily, don’t be what you don’t want to be, admit when your
Wrong, be strong, don’t climb on a roof, don’t hit a bullet with a hammer,
Don’t do magic swallowing a coin, don’t set fire to mothers curtains, if you
See a girl who looks nice, run!, and definitely don’t marry her, and if you are
Ever offered a green or a red pill,,,,,,,shoot the f**ker!