Last Viewed Comedy Blogs (1,864)

I've been going to the same stylist for nearly a decade. She's great, but always busy and I have to make an appointment usually a week out. The other day, I was returning from a project and called the salon to make an appointment. She said there was a cancellation and asked if I could go there now.

Uh... I only make weekend appointments with her and this was a first. Well, yeah... but I needed to get back to the office. Okay I said, I'm on my way. I arrived with no waiting, the chair was open for me. As usual, she did a great job.

When I got back to the home office my boss was annoyed that I was away for so long.
I told him I stopped for a haircut.
He said "What... you got a haircut on company time?"
I replied "Yeah, well it grew on company time."
As expected, he said "It didn't ALL grow on company time"
I was ready for this... and said "Right... and that's why I didn't get it ALL cut off!"

I strolled over to my desk and went back to work...

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I'm paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "a**hole calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an a**hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**hole to call. I took turns calling both of them for awhile.
Then I came up with an idea. I called a**hole #1.
"Hello." "You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"a**hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole," and hung up. Then I called a**hole #2.
"Hello?" he said. "Hello, a**hole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a**," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two a**hole beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.

The Crocodile Rocker



Don't blame me, if you can't get that silly ditty out of your head now.
Hey, at least it wasn't Baby Shark.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I sometimes wonder why I drink; I think that it's because I think.

I still really miss my ex but my aim is getting better.

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

Apparently, things are too complicated for SOME people.
So, for them lets keep it simple;

CS MEN, are you lonesome tonight? Feeling so loveless and unlovable? Feeling like a looser? STOP!!! Don’t be… just sit back and relax , it’s time for you to meet CS eligible Calendar Girls and here they are::wink:

Ms January... is an Indonesian pu**y Cat living in a golden palace in Jakarta. Flaunting a DBD cup bra have a very sweet personality , timeless beauty and her nurturing hands will sure to keep you happy for the rest of your life. Her hobby includes blogging, travelling and collecting hunky men. All you need to do is book a ticket to Indonesia…so what are you waiting for?


Ms February... is a cape wearing witch from Ireland. This big blue-eyed broom rider is a toughie but doesn’t think twice to lend a hand to the oppressed and the needy. She loves to write poetry and weeding and gardening on weekends…. and chilling with a bottle of wine or two on cold lonely nights. If you fancy some moonlight romance, learn how to ride a broom and fly straight to her kingdom.


Ms March... is a drop dead gorgeous blonde from Spain. This hot horse-whisperer loves volunteering and dream interpretations. She knows exactly what you’re missing and can bring you back to life with her healing hands and soothing voice. So if it’s romance and soulmate that you are really looking for, try this temptress and you won’t ever regret relocating to Spain…I guarantee that.


Ms April... is a very charming and witty cougar from Scotland. No, no…don’t get me wrong, this cougar has it all : sharp but well-trimmed paws, seductive pangs, long wiggly tails, golden whiskers and to top it all, this cougar is a very talented writer with eyes that changes color from green to purple to yellow to blue and to red… eye color depends on her estrogen level. So if you know how to tame a cougar…go on…buy a leash and give her your best shot.


Ms May... is a very hot blooded lady from England. Her wisdom and s*xual expertise will never cease to amaze you. This very tough but kind-hearted ultra-blonde hottie with a very gentle nature loves and loves passionate sex , write poetry and read good books. She’s highly recommended for those are suffering from EDS , quickies and all those men who are badly in need to learn the art of lust and love making.

Border Collie – just one, and then I’ll replace any wiring that isn’t up to code
German Shepherd – I’ll change it as soon as I’ve escorted everyone from the dark and checked to make sure no-one is still inside, or has taken advantage of the situation
Labrador – oh, me me me! Pleeeeeeze let me! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Oh pleeeeeze please please please please!
Australian Shepherd – first let me put all the light bulbs in a circle
Jack Russell – sure, I’ll pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture
Pointer – I see it, there it is, right there
Greyhound – it isn’t moving, who cares?
Rottweiler – make me
Dachshund – you know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Golden Retriever – the sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve our whole lives in front of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
Poodle – I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry

The cat – dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. How long before I can expect light, dinner, and a massage?

(Not my own, but it made me laugh and I found one or two personalities oddly familiar)

Hundreds of innocent wooden chairs executed in the desert.
Its been reported that the scattered remains of hundreds of chairs have been found in the arid desert near the small town of Harare.

Evidence of ethnic cleansing by lay-z-boys and Laura Ashley Patterned upholstered easy chairs will no doubt create yet another conflict in our violent world.

Lets try to forgot the CS issues for a while and think about those chairs that are less fortunate, If you have a wooden chair please hug it.

On Monday, April 8th, there will be a narrow path total eclipse that will skirt diagonally from part of Mexico, across America into Canada. The longest duration of this eclipse is about FOUR MINUTES and TWENTY EIGHT SECONDS, so if you are planning to travel across the country to be in the path to view this event, my best guess is you should already have arrived at a hotel, unpacked your viewing glasses and having dinner.

Tomorrow could be a hectic day as Arkansas Governor, Sarah Huckabee has declared a state of emergency ahead of the eclipse. She's released $100,000 from the Response and Recovery Fund to help commercial carriers transport essentials to customers in the state during the eclipse.

The state emergency will remain in effect until April 10.

Many of the comments that I've read think that Huckabee over reacted, maybe referencing the Chicken Little / Henny Penny fable where the sky is falling.

Sara, it's just like night-time but, only 4 minutes in duration. Call off the National Guard, there's no need for the villagers to huddle in caves like they did a thousand years ago!




Some links: