Last Viewed Comedy Blogs (1,864)

Borrowed a Dehumidifier and made the mistake of leaving it on overnight

Woke up this morning with dry eyeballs and so thirsty I could have sucked the scrotum of a sweaty camel

The tank contained 3 litres of liquid and as the average adults body is 60% water I think all that fluid was me.

I have not regained enough strength to weigh myself but should I be worried

What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here.
I’ll go on ahead.

You looked at the blog title and thought, “stupid Map writing garbage again” but tables are the most misunderstood and ignored furniture in our world today.

We use tables all the time, you are probably using one now, but spare a thought for the pain and hardship it endures while it provides you with a smooth sturdy surface to put your things and shit on.

Did you know that tables originate from the Roman era? They used to use piles of slaughtered slaves until Pontius Surfacious complained he couldn’t scribe stuff onto his parchment as it was too lumpy, A kind hearted citizen simply placed a piece of timber on the pile of dead slaves and the table was born.

In 1917 tables volunteered to fight in the trenches, one table received the George Cross for bravery by charging a machine gun nest and saving a regiment from certain death.

We all know that Yuri Gagarin was the first person in space after that dog Laika managed to do it, but in 1958 an oak coffee table was the first table in space and to successfully carry out a spacewalk.

Do you know how many tables you keep as slaves? And what do you think about them?

Reading through profiles of women on my home page I see most have demands us lessor mortals could never meet, non smoker, must like dancing & travel, own hair & teeth love of animals & grandchildren, good sense of humour, financially independent etc etc, the list goes on, having given it some thought I've realised they're all looking for the same man the only one that fits all the criteria

Superb!

6 AM my time here and just finished watching the Season 6 Episode 1 in Putlocker...WOW, I can't get enough of those zombies Can hardly wait for Episode 2!

Not really a big fan of zombies but the story is really great, how those strangers bonded together, care for each other as a family...so many positive things to learn from those characters...

I love all of those characters but I'm sure some of you have your favorite. Who's yours?

For those of our older generation who don't comprehend why Facebook exists.



I am making friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.



Every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and my gardening and spending time in my pool.



I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.



And it works.



I already have 3 people following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette"
"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs,
"Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!

Golf is always a man’s first love.

My Business.......
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks.

As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business." :

Right, possible hypothetical scenario to follow, suspension of reality required

It's the end of the world as we know it!!

Corona Morona Covid Wooha 19 virus-or-is-it-a-flu has morphed...has joined...with stuff... AND IT IS NOW THE BLACK PLAGUE(Mark 2)

Sooooooooo. We have 12 days What to do? Hmmmmmm

So, Chancer has a challenge for you

12 days

unlimited funds

unlimited imagination

We have all contracted the deadly disease. We have 12 days left. TOGETHER. What are we gonna do? We can do ANYTHING.

Run wild.

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That's ladybugs for ya.

I just hope they don't.....slug...it out.