Most Liked Humor Poems (1,865)

My first experience on forums
And yes predictive text reared up it’s head
Typed Banjo it became Bango
Santa became Santander
When trying to respond to many comments,
see through my laughter tears...
I think I answered myself in a thread
Cannot delete....so hilarious....made my night
Well at least God loves me
Enough said !!!

Don’t we all have
a Mr Bean or Bridget Jones
within us ?
A fumbling, flustering, bumbling side,
that we’d mostly much prefer would
hide !

Haven’t we all had
embarrassing moments sometimes
Feeling self conscious, nervous, or shy.
So,we trip over ourselves, get tongue twisted
Say the wrong thing
or
the right thing at the wrong time
Then wish we could press
rewind !!

Better To Give Without Promising ... What To Promise Without Holding ...

I was in at the Doctors and I say:

“….and Doc, I’m smoking 60 - 80 a day and
after I go cycle training I feel like crap.”

He reaches into his desk, pulls out some cigarettes,
offers me one and we lean back and gaze at the ceiling.

Then he says: “Look son, I’m just going to come right out and say it,
if you want to be an athlete you need to get a better bike.”

A guy comes out of the Doctor's surgery

The receptionist says "How did it go?"

"Bad news" he says, "I have to take these pills for the rest of my life."

The receptionist says "Ah that's not so bad."

He says "Yeah but he only gave me four."

I still remember grandmas advice, on bringing in the new year
She'd make us all eat black eyed peas, a memory I hold dear
We were told that it would bring us luck, and us children hid our smirks
It's amazing how although we've grown, we hold on to our quirks
Never mind the fact, I broke my foot, exactly on the first
And all the while I suffered, I was told it could have been worse
The source of this tradition is vague, unclear and much in doubt
Yet come New Years, I will indeed, have a mess of peas in my mouth.

It wasn't no secret what type of boy I was, I couldn't hide it if I tried
I loved women folk at an early age, and conscious was not my guide
Now Miss Lula Mae was a fine figure of a woman, and a widow at that
And all the men folk that seen her, would stop to tip their hat
But I was just a young boy, and knew no courtesy
Instead I'd stop on a dime, and gawk at her shamlessly
I had my little fantasies, and she was in them all
And I'd probably still be fantasizing, if my grandma hadn't called.



I

you ask me to post a photo
so you can see my face
it's the only thing you don't know,
so you say, while in this place.
i say you can see me
if you'll remember all my words.
close your eyes, imagine "free"
my smile is a flock of birds
flying in formation, teeth aligned, pretty.
my nose is small and fits my face
neither wide nor fine, just right.
almond-shaped eyes with irises uniquely colored brown.
in the light you see them when clear
stream water flows over amber, dark and round.
with high cheek bones, chiseled lips,
skin of reddish hue and coiled hair.
i am a cutie, a buxom beauty
of good breeding and without a care.
so know that when you exchange with me
and send that email from your box
approach me like a friend, gleefully,
let’s share happy thoughts!

A white and tan Pomchi
I adopted from the pound
Some days my only buddy
With big gorgeous eyes of brown
His fur is soft and shiny
He stands one foot off the ground
A playful little joker
He just loves his Mama's lap
A whispered, "Come 'ere, boy"
And he jumps up just like a cat
He springs upon my king high bed
I must hop up to mount
Then licks his paws and rubs his head
And sleeps there in a round
I must admit he got it honest
From two cats that I once had
They taught him how to tip the garbage
And chew open the bag
I once was married, my husband envied
This mutt that paid no bills
He said, "That pup must go!"
I said, "You'll go before he will."
In a day my hubby packed his bags
Suitcases on the floor
I whispered, "Get him, boy"
Dude barked that bum right out the door
Never fickle or finicky like a feline
But just as agile and very lucky
Once he cocked his leg inside
And we played dodge and ducky
Of course he won - he hid for a time
Then resurfaced, tail between his legs
He licked my calf, sat and smiled
For forgiveness he doesn't beg
I pat my lap, he pounced right up
With kisses for my neck
My dog-cat, cat-dog.
A good ole boy, yes indeed
He keeps at bay the jerks and strays
And warms my ice cold feet
Good boy!

I'm having - no, taking - one of those days.
A 'don't give damn, knockin' visitors can stay
on the wrong side of the door, who cares
if the laundry and the dishes are pilin' up,
the dog can walk himself,
and the kids and their daddy
can get in that kitchen and figure out
how to stave off hunger'
kind of day.

Not to be confused with a lazy day:
that 'call in sick, do a bit here,
do even less over there, watch a little Tele,
paint my nails, finish my pedi, wash my hair,
take a nap in the middle of the afternoon,
wake up and have a glass of wine
while I wait on the pizza delivery, and
make an effort to not feel guilty'
kind of day.

No.

This kind of day takes sass and balls
to pull it off. An
unyielding, unbreakable resolve
and a silent, squint-eyed stare
that would make the devil himself
turn away and I'm giving it to anyone
in this house if asked whether I am
cooking, cleaning, taxi-ing, hosting,
homework helping, ironing,
listening, talking, answering my phone,
s3xing or sucking.
Not. Today.

On this kind of day, I have an attitude.
A 'why did I get married and have these
damn kids, what is wrong with the car now,
is that woman at the bank on crack,
did the grocery clerk keep my change,
did Trump really say that?'
series of moments that have
jerked my nerves so bad
I just want to shout,
"All y'all can kiss my rebel a$$!"

I quit.

On this kind of day I sip wine
from a big, blue plastic tumbler cup
behind a closed door
butt naked
with hair that defies gravity
while Lenny Kravitz and Tupac
rattle my bedroom windows.
If it lasts all night
and that man has to sleep on the couch
and those kids have to tuck themselves in
and the dog camps out in the hallway
like a doting parent and
I missed my mother's call -
Oh well.

It's only for today.