Most Liked Humor Poems (1,865)

The middle of the afternoon
a little after 3
came a knock upon my door
Christ the local MP

he seemed a little tentative
for a political representative
elitist defender
capitalist bender
cast-iron compromise
the party's man on the rise
Vote me this September

steeped in worthy provenance
a man of vital consequence
but I didn't give an inch
clipped idiom of the bearer
zeitgeist of a naval era
Vote me this September

He said some names would be handy
I said Kenneth Zenith and randy Mandy
and when she's sober her sister Brandy
all things considered life's rather dandy
Looking fine for September

He caught the whiff of false intent
left a card and duly went
will surprise him when I finally tender
a vote for him come this September

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Woman: "I'm not interested in casual sex."

Dangerfield: "Alright, I'll keep my tie on."

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly too!"

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean,
Were two prawns named Justin and Christian,
They loved swimming around and being larks,
But were constantly harassed by hungry sharks.
Finally one day, Justin fed up and forlorn,
Told his mate he was sick of being a prawn.
“I wish I was a shark and couldn’t be beaten,
Then I wouldn’t have to worry about being eaten.”
A mysterious cod appeared out of the dark,
And turned Justin into a great big shark.
Christian now fearful of being tempting bait,
Quickly swam away from his once good mate.
Time passed and now Justin was bored and alone,
When his friends saw him they scurried off home,
Justin soon realised that his appearance outright,
Was now the cause of his unhappy plight.
One day while swimming alone in his domain,
He encountered the mysterious cod again,
He begged to be changed from his menacing shark form,
And lo and behold he once again became a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes,
He went and bought cocktails for all the prawn guys,
(Ah! You might be thinking prawn cocktails in this verse,
Is the punch line…but no… believe me… it’s worse).
Looking around the gathering amongst reef and coral,
He couldn’t see Christian, his dear old frightened pal.
“Where’s Christian,” he frantically sought,
And was told he was at home and very distraught.
Looking to put things right again and to make amends,
He shouted through Christian’s door that they should be friends.
“No way man,” said Christian, who had grown so much thinner,
“You’re a shark! I won’t be tricked into being your dinner.
Justin replied, “No I’m not…I’ve learnt my lesson,
I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again, Christian!”

To hear my cat snore make me lol until I am rolling on the floor. The photos shake off my walls and neighbors beat down my door. They wonder as I what's she doing that for? Some are lol too while others stay a little sore.

She's my mama cat sweet, dear, loving and fat. A rescue senior at that. She is signed up for AARP and when she sneezes she has to run to pee. It's all good for 103.

By tomorrow she will start talking in tongues, sleep walking and stalking me for fun. Oh, I know she's not all bad. Without her snore life would be such a bore. Never had a cat that could snore so loud. Purrrrhapes she is deaf and doesn't hear how loud? But of herself I'm sure she is proud!

Our Venerable Bede
whos art has been stolen
righteous be thy name
Bernaccia will become
our kingdom and will be done
in Berwick as it is in Hebburn

Give us this day
our daily stotty
forgive us our drinking
as we forgive those who drink with us

Lead us not to the South
so as to deliver us from evil

Bernaccia is our kingdom
with pride in this story
and never shall we haver
Amen

She went to see the doctor one day
And was devastated at what he had to say
You cannot wear anything for 2 weeks
Rub ointment on before and after you sleep

Two weeks she said
I might as well be dead
I can’t go out in public bare and naked
Everyone will think I am tainted

It’s no big deal the doctor said
She said I may as well stay in bed
Don’t be a drama queen the doctor replied
You must do as I abide

I can’t use anything to cover up she asked
No – not if you want to get better fast
Well that’s just hunky dory she said
Without my eye makeup I look like I’m dead!

Going to sleep lately is something that I dread. Come to find out there are monsters under the bed. At first I thought it was all in my head. Until one of them ask for water and a slice of bread! Oh, dear don't know what I should do. I mean what if it happened to you?

One is green the other yellow I think one could be a nice bed fellow. I don't care. I just wish someone would take them elsewhere. They can be scary when making sounds and whisper. I believe they may have a younger sister. I try to be polite by calling them Mr. As I tell them goodnight. But no way will I turn off the light. I'm afraid they just may bite.

There are monsters under the bed. I tell my friends but they don't believe a word that I said. I call others on the phone asking how do I find them a new home? I can only pray that soon they will go outside to play. Then, I'll change my locks on my door and there will no monsters under the bed anymore!

Hey,
Love sucks,
Run and shout,
We are not Spartans!
It does not take long.

To break into an illuminati dance,
Skirts are not for men in sneakers,
Pulling back the stings of their Looney bow strings,
Selfies we are not nor will we ever be,
Bring your pussycat dolls and test our Lego bricked defense!

Pink is soft and pretty. It reminds me of the cotton candy you buy at the fair in the city. Pink on a kitten's nose and little toes. Pink when a baby is first born. A fuzzy, pink blanket to keep you cozy and warm.

A pink sunset that surely you will never forget. Living life with no regret. The pink sky warns that there will be morning storms. Stay inside where it is safe and sound. Listen to the rain as it comes down. Once again the pink sun shines bright. All in the world is perfect and right.

Pink brings me much comfort and peacefulness. It is simply the Best. Whatever the weather all I do is jump into my favorite pink sweater and it all comes together. I will love the color pink forever!

Someone yelled, "I want those men."
But ol Abe answered "You can't have them."
"Take my daughters but not the men."
"Take the girls you can have them."
"
these men are my guests.
"Daddy give em your wife or maybe Lots too.
"We wanna stay home with you."
"What makes you think yo have a choice?"

"T"s no womens lib yet not for a while
"So go with the men and flash your blg smile."
"Take my daughtersthey are all yours,
Take them to a motel take them next door.