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Most Liked Humor Poems (1,865)

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cambridgemiss

POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS©

'Twas the night before Christmas and all was not still.
Jingler's rang; car'lers sang ‘Oh, To Men Of Good Will.’
But inside the courthouse, the defendant sat grim,
Took off his fur cap, stroked his chinny chin chin.

He stood 'fore the Judge, a frown creasing his face,
While his Lawyer proceeded to present his case.
"Your Honor", he pleaded, "this man's not a crook.
All he did was his job, which he did by the book."

The Judge glared from the bench, glasses tipped low.
"That's not quite the truth, I have his M.O.
Mister Clause is now in my jurisdiction,
And if I have a say, I'll yea for conviction."

"A quack we have here, in red masquerade,
With a sack filled with toys to complete the charade.
This man has ignored town noise ordinance,
So don't try to plead his law ignorance."

"His list of crimes go on; more than just a few.
Breaking and entering, everyone wants to sue.
Sneaking down chimneys is as bad as it gets.
Though child hanky-panky is worse even yet."

"Please explain the mistletoe, if perchance you can?
What about the orgy, started by this fat man."
The lawyer stepped forward, a tear 'pon his cheek,
"Please, your honor," said he, "please now may I speak?"

"Yes, my client was there, and the tale went like this,
The Missus grabbed his butt, and gave him one big kiss.
A gentleman he was, and kissed her back polite
So if it wasn't right, it was just an oversight."

'Twas the night before Christmas and all was not still.
Jingler's rang; car'lers sang ‘Oh, To Men Of Good Will.’
But inside the courthouse, the defendant sat grim,
Took off his fur cap, stroked his chinny chin chin.

He stood 'fore the Judge, a frown creasing his face,
While his Lawyer proceeded to present his case.
"Your Honor", he pleaded, "this man's not a crook.
All he did was his job, which he did by the book."

The Judge glared from the bench, glasses tipped low.
"That's not quite the truth, I have his M.O.
Mister Clause is now in my jurisdiction,
And if I have a say, I'll yea for conviction."

"A quack we have here, in red masquerade,
With a sack filled with toys to complete the charade.
This man has ignored town noise ordinance,
So don't try to plead his law ignorance."

"His list of crimes go on; more than just a few.
Breaking and entering, everyone wants to sue.
Sneaking down chimneys is as bad as it gets.
Though child hanky-panky is worse even yet."

"Please explain the mistletoe, if perchance you can?
What about the orgy, started by this fat man."
The lawyer stepped forward, a tear 'pon his cheek,
"Please, your honor," said he, "please now may I speak?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
i wrote it when I was angry when we were supposed to say, Happy Holiday in stead of Merry Christmas.
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cambridgemiss

POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS© Part TWO

"Yes, my client was there, and the tale went like this,
The Missus grabbed his butt, and gave him one big kiss.
A gentleman he was, and kissed her back polite
So if it wasn't right, it was just an oversight."

"He's innocent, I swear, there was no lewd intent.
He's a friendly guy and the Missus looked content.
Now, about the eggnog, he only took two sips,
Not a drop of hard stuff ever touched his lips.”

The old Judge looked stern and rubbed his craggy jaw.
"That may be true you say, but he broke another law.
He didn't knock on doors, but down the chimney came,
That's a crime in any court, this I do proclaim."

"And lest we not forget the damage done to roofs,
Is caused by sixteen pair of dancing reindeer hoofs.
Does he have a license for such a prancing team?
Does not this mode of travel seem to everyone extreme?"

“And for his ‘Ho, ho, ho’s,’ it's nothing we should hear,
It has another meaning, and that meaning's all too clear.
The man should be discreet, use words that don’t offend
We can’t be too careful in the message that we send.”

"And it says he sits the children high upon his knee.
Without a doubt, this reeks of suspicious stuff to me.
No one in his right mind would parade in that disguise.
It's dirty old men like him that decent folk despise."

"And this complaint about his work shop,
Where little ones slave all round the clock,
No coffee breaks, I say there's no excuse.
His continuing labor-law abuse."

And let’s touch on a subject, that’s in the news today
That tho your elves seem jolly, they don’t seem to be gay
And I’m sure you will agree, it has to do with sex.
When one guy likes another; that has to be complex

"With Equal Opportunity, he's hit a brand new height.
All employees are wasps, what’s more, they’re blond and white.
Not one older woman, or black Hispanic male.
I see no way to keep your client out of jail."

"Please, kind Sir," said Santa, "I'd like a chance to speak.
I do not think ‘tis fair that you call me a freak.
Most kids have gone so far to calling me a saint,
But even I admit that that's a bit too quaint."

"Truth is I'm not more than a poor delivery man,
Trying to bring joy where ere I always can.
Through sleet and snow and slush and rain,
Not once have I been heard complain."

"But if it please the court, I swear
I'll change my ways, though it's unfair.
I promise to be lawful, knock on every door,
Won't slide down the chimney or land upon the floor."

"I won't kiss the Missus, just shake her hand instead.
Little kids can stand and I'll pat them on the head.
The cookies and eggnog, I'll leave for other guests.
My elves will work in shifts, with many, many rests.

"As for my hiring habits, tell you what I'll do.
I'll hire a Cuban black and a Catholic and Jew.
The deer will go to pasture; I'll put away the sleigh,
Deliv'ry in corporate trucks will route me on my way.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
I enjoyed the fact I could write such a funny poem
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cambridgemiss

POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS© The end

“And I’ll announce my coming with a different call,
I’ll change the ‘Ho, Ho Ho’s’…to just ‘Hello you all’!
I aim to please, not to offend
There’s not a rule that I will bend.”

" I shall not be a-judgmental; gays who they might be,
Shall decorate the mantles so bright and Christmassy.
Tis peace to all good people around our Universe
Nothing like some gaiety shall ere be deemed perverse.

These are special charges," the Judge said thoughtfully,
Times have changed, and the question is, must we?"
I should throw the book at you; I can't be more direct
Christmas must be safer, more politically correct.

" I object," the Lawyer spoke, "this man has done no wrong!
He's never had a record; he's done this all lifelong.
And how he does it in one night remains a mystery,
Please, I say, do not change the very course of history!"

Judge pondered for a moment; waived his gavel in the air,
And banged it on the bench with wise judicial flair.
Then smiled and faced the jury of his peers
Who happened to be little kids, wise beyond their years.

“It’s time for you to have your say.
Shall we send Santa on his sleigh?
Is he guilty girls and boys?”
’No,” they yelled. “We want out toys”

The judge then faced the crowd.
“Tis Christmas eve,” he spoke aloud,
“And homes across the world shine bright
Waiting for Santa to make it all alright.”

"I have made my decision. I hope you understand,"
The old Judge said, as he stood and raised his hand.
"Tis true this jolly man is really not so bad,
I will not be the one to make the children sad.

"Let's plow through all this stuff and lengthy litigation
With circumstantial evidence for each accusation,
I won't be remembered for creating Santa-cide
And terminating Christmastide."

"Santa is a good guy, which tradition does imply
I do not believe that he would stoop to tell a lie.
Nor be a risk to any one, no fine will be imposed.
This man is not guilty; I say the case be closed.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
It has been published and I like to make people laugh.
Anyone interested in screenwriting in the Florida Clearwater area?
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SnowCoveredMuse

on the lighter side

I came upon a tiny troll
while dancing in a dream,
with her hands filled with crayons
she painted each new scene.
The sky was pink, the sun quite purple
the flowers crimson red,
vermilion streams and crystalline dreams
danced around her head.
And she looked to me, this tiny thing
a whimsical gleam shown forth,
a question asked from her bobbing head
“is this my dream, or yours?”
~SAS~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
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ImagineLove

Private Email

Hello beautiful
How are you doing today?
I hope real good
Better now that I came your way

I really want to know you better
You look so gorgeous in that sweater
Just contact me at my private email
It’s mindf*ck@loveyou.com
From there I will hail
How great I am

I am just not here very often
Go ahead and email me
No need for caution
I’ll answer with glee

I don’t care if you’re brunette or blond
My goal is to only to abscond
With your heart, soul and money
Come on beautiful sweetheart honey
Waiting to hear back from you
For now, I bid you adieu

Yep, my job here is done
I’ve only sent out a ton
Of private request emails
Because not all of them fails
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
I need to "calm down"...lol..the word warrior in me is on a bit of a war path...HELP!
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cafetwo2010

Castle coffee

Come join us at the long table with torches
hung from castle walls
Bare foot maidens dressed in velvet and white
Tis an evening we'll spend in enraptured delight
Harpists will play as black panthers look on
The knights pour the coffee dancing with song
Come take your first drink from goblets of gold
And toast to your spirit this potion so bold
The first sip has you floating as cloud horses
sweep you up
Another sip and you'll be happy we filled the
whole cup
A marching band of purple ants step in cadence
across your fingers
You slipped your mind in your pocket and for
the evening it lingers
The toothpick people had the wizzard arrested
But it never went to trial and was never contested
So drink up O maidens and knights do the same
And fret not of the stories of those gone insane.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
Anybody want a sip of this coffee? Come on now
don't be shy. Lol
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ImagineLove

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called therapy.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
I found this going through my old files. Evidently I needed this brevity when I was in the "corporate" world! It was written by Ravi Bhavnani who certainly knows how to "maintain" his level! Here's to you Ravi! Have a laugh today, it's good for your heart!
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ImagineLove

My Mailbox

My Mailbox

Amazing is what I ‘oft exclaim
‘Cause my suitors all know my name
Yah, it’s “beautiful lovely pretty”
But to me it sounds a bit gritty

Like eating fruit on the beach
And the sand gets caught in your teeth
Yuk!
You make all kinds of gestures
Looking like a court jester

Yes, when I open my CS mailbox
To see what handsome widow man
Has successfully picked the locks
Adjusted his profile to execute his plan
Thinking he (or she) is as smart as a fox

Silly men we weren’t born yesterday
Or for that matter the day before
I think they see us as donkeys that bray
However, we see them as a tiny little spore

What a bore! (Betty Davis accent needed)
It’s just funny now, their pitiful little tales
As they adjust words and pictures for the sales

Hey bozo! you stumbled into an intelligent lot
We’re all ‘wise and hip and with it’ you clown
You’re not all that bright, really a very low watt
None of us here seem to be jumping up and down

Move along little doggies, get the hell out of town
Get out of our space you're a disgrace and we erase
And as far as my mailbox and your self made glory
You’re just becoming fodder for my book, my story
So “Romance This”
I perceive something is amiss
Dismissed!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
Just some Humor on Tuesday...no tears today!
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postneoludite

Knocker Knockers

knocker knockers knock knockers that ought not to be knocked
the knockers that knocker knockers knock the most are small knockers
knocker knockers ought not to knock small knockers
knocker knockers rarely knock large knockers
knocker knockers ought not to knock large knockers either
knocker knockers ought to have their heads knocked together
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
More of a tongue twister inspired by a forum
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cafetwo2010

rapturecapture

Watch out all gallant knights
Those red ruby lips
She's all that and a bag of chips
O yes, another Irish maiden..
She'll spin you around with a
whip and heels
Take that in stride
See how that feels..
La rapturecapture
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jul 2014
About this poem:
For our mysterious facinating maiden..so talented..
so sweet soooooooooo!
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