Most Liked Humor Poems (1,865)

the other day, walking through the
park, I saw something
oh, looks like a snake
oh, it is a snake, call the police
call the army
call Tarzan, oh my, what now
I walked away, and went home.

So many flashbacks
One more year took a spin
To start new again

Hop on the last train
En route to new adventures
Take a rowdy ride!

Blushing puce, cheeks all aglow,
Is there something I should know?

Dancing fingers, fidget, twirl,
What's afoot my Angel Girl?

Sold your sister? Flushed old Ted?
Ate a hole in my new bread?

Sliding glance, you must have done
Something that you oughtn't Hon.

What's that Darling? None of those?
Now you're twiddling your toes!

Must be bad! Now let's go look!
Is it something that you took?

Ah! There's Jimmy, from next door.
What's he doing on my floor?

Stole a kiss! Did he? Oh Dear!
Whispered sweet things in your ear.

No he WON'T do that again,
Now he thinks you're quite insane!

Iron fist in velvet glove
Is what I said! Not IRON GLOVE!

Let me see if he's OK?
Oh My! Jimmy! What a day!

Now you're puce all over too
From the beating she gave you.

Now SHAKE HANDS to show you care.
You're non-the-worse for wear and tear.

Lesson learned from this event?
Kisses aren't ALL Heaven Sent!

I stand beside a carp filled lake like glass,
A place where fairies oft flit to and fro.
You would not like my job so well, although
I do it for the Upper Middle Class.

My job is to amuse Sir's family,
Look cute, as I stand there , all two foot nine,
Red pointed hat atop my head so fine
and little gnome house built beneath the tree.

This morning when the sun soft lit the sea
My grunts and roars all through the vale arose,
When Sir attacked me with a garden hose.
The rude device was meant to make me pee.

The fairies hid for fear they would be next,
No longer laughing now that Sir seemed vexed.


~~~~~~~~~~~


He had a mind to make me water seeds.
His sprinkler system did not far extend,
So figuring to use me to that end
He plumbed, to let my tinkler do the deeds.

By noon my old wheelbarrow was long gone.
The Koi looked on quite open-mouthed with shock
As water gushed from out my hat and sock
While Sir's expletives just went on and on.

The afternoon was similar 'till three
When Sir struck gold with piece of copper plate
With which he prodded, worked on long past eight,
A drill producing functionality.

All done! Too late for him to see, Alas!,
The "pee" was squirting out my blushing a**

A man takes fake eggs made of plastic and puts them on cars in the hood
A man take the toilet paper out of on bathroom stall and waits with Nutella
Wiping the Nuttella on hand thinking he's getting toiliet paper
Leaving bike for people to steal with hidden rope attached
Causing the rider to face plant on the ground
Waiting for man to leave their truck running while they run inside store
When they come out a man is inside with the car doors locked saying
He is going to steal the truck
Man throwing water onto people's cars in gas can making the people think
Their car is about to be torched
Man pouring water on himself out of gas can threatening to torch himself
Man feeding seagulls and then dumping the fries onto people causing
The gulls to engulf them
Man calling the florist to deliver flowers, when he arrives he sees a banner saying
F@#$ OFF!
Handing out free black umbrellas with rude words on top in white letters
Ruining good fishing by running speed boat creating massive waves
Farting in a library
Planting purse for people to steal, when they open it smelly crap explodes out
Using dummy kid to make mom think son has fallen 15 feet to his death
Porch pirate gets a glitter bomb that sprays glitter inside his car with fart spray

"What IF" I'd tell my thinking,(IF my old brain could be told),
the little "IF" word wasn't there?, Would we have thoughts to hold?

Imagination would be gone IF we did not have "IF",
then conversation would stagnate and intellect be stiff.

"IF only" would not be our cry, when we were feeling sad
and what IF "what IF"s weren't so? Then no dream to be had.

"I would" would also be defunct, IF "IF" could not be there.
We'd only have, "I will", "I did", "I do", or "I don't care".

How limiting without our "IF"!, What possibles we'd lose!
We'd have to forfeit logic and our basic right to choose

At yelping speed she travelled
across an emerald lawn,
pursued by gnarling nightmares
as the darkness nipped the dawn.

Her ears, amber triangles,
bush glittering crystal dew,
body sleek with rivulets,
glowed red with exhaustion's hue.

Her heart palpating bass drums
and panting loud, fit to burst,
'glimpsed a shadow by the gate,
Her escape route surely cursed.

A lolloping great mastiff
of the Herculean type
roused apathetic eyelids
to investigate the hype.

No options left, the vixen
hugged the ground, then made a leap
to clear canine and gate and
safely saunter home to sleep.

Your strong stature, your winning smile and your piercing blue eyes....you tantalise !
You are such a dish, a feast for all to see and I wish you were right here cooking for me .....I fantasise !

Your just like canderel, the artificial sweetener. full of shite I dont understand. not real and leave's a bitter after tasting pill. need double the amount just to compensate. dissolves in second's, but remains. that slightly unnatural feeling it proclaims. thanks I won't say no names. your not chaste or pure. your unrefined and flawed. the best part dissected, removed of heart and reason, all of what you are is omitted. you sow your grains ,you where never committed .only to the free. i'm glad your not in my cup of tea!

Lol x

Worn habits to break
Elevate through sweats and ache
Spring arrived to awake


A drop of sunshine
Is brewing in bubbling brine
Dandelion wine


A school of sardines
Swam in sync into a tin
Sardines of my dreams