Most Liked Humor Poems (1,865)

Heart,O Heart
Are you nuts?
First you say,
"Hurray!"
Then you say,
"No Way."
First you say,
"Just a piece of cake"
Then you say,
"I can't bake"
First you say,
"She is great"
Then you say,
"Not in my fate"
First you say,
"Hi!"
Then you get Shy.
First you say,
"She enjoys."
Then you say,
"I annoys."
First you try,
Then you cry.

Taste a woman when she's on fire..
Don't think twice when her breasts
Cry for gripping hands of steal
Speak not a word but take her
Down in her tormented flesh
Let her scream, let her wail
In passions gasp!
Pound her into savage sheets
Of sweat
Let her curses tear into
The night
Let her nails carve trails
Of Dracula blood into
The iron musles of
Your back
Rock her and roll her
With the wolf's fang
And claw
Let her savour the
Sweet scent of
Nature's liquid
Fire
Pound her, pin her and
Quench her of the
Last ounce of her
Thirsty souls last
Screaming desire
And if you can
Do all this crazy
Stuff
Then maybe
Just maybe..
You'll get a second
Date.. Lol.
Cafe

I'm supposed to be a Sagittarius..the
Fire sign
But have the astrologist's
Miscalulated my position
Among the planet's?
They say on Wenesday
I was in Jupitors
House
And on Thursday in
Neptunes house
But Friday, I was in
Betty's house and
Boy was she hot!

Oh, behave Cafe!

If you've ever wondered what a love poem
from a mortician to his girlfriend might
be in their courting phase, I feel it
my moral obligation to offer my
humble opinion..lol

Pine box,

Oh, my darling.. I was nothing
More than a corspe when
I met you..
I was in a funeral procession
In a black hurst on my way
To the grim reapers check
Out counter when the eyes
Of your affection melted
My thoughts of the obituary
Ads..
Your love unzipped the
Body bag of my sorrow
I was hacked up with
A machete of unrequited
Love
Your smile melted the
Tombstone of my fate
As my cold dead fingers
Clawed through a steel
Casket of blackened doom
My X- girlfriend could only
Hire a priest to pray over
Me, but you my sweetness
Drained the last ounce of
My blood into a vampires
Bucket
If not for you, my love, the
Maggots of hell would have
Consumed the last of my
Decaying flesh, and saved
My toenails for a Sunday
Snack
I'd love to slice you into
Tender morsels of
Affection
My scalpel is ever ready
To lay you on that cold
Steel table and remove
Your heart from loser
Boyfriends
I'll fashion your loving
Eyeballs on a necklace
Dangling from my neck
And our family lawyer
Will notarize our prenuptial
Agreement
Come to me my love!
Let us dance in the
Cemetery of broken
Coffin nails
Let me drain the last
Ounce of blood from
Your screaming soul
And encase you in
The morgue of my
Eternal desire!
Lol.

Hi..

and to say it Again..Hello!
I knew you would see this
and I came here and saw
that, Yes,!# You are
HERE!
I am 170 cm in my body
Length if somebody
made me stand
against a wall.@/
To add to this i Am
208,137,000 seconds
Old
My anatomical neurology
number is 43.6
I ask mY doctor WHat
that meant and he
t old me to go
To hell
I thanked him and sEnt
his grandmother a
christmas card..@
Last Thursday I was
struck by lightNing
And three hours later
I c o u l d speak
In Portuguese
YOU need to know these
things about me if we
are going to Go to
tHe store and EAt
The hamburger
To gether..
I like to laugh A Lot.
I would laugh in your
Mothers face BUT she
w ould beat me like
A Dog!
My country was destroyed
bY a swarm of flys and
and I hid under a
Dead Cow
I must now write you
tO see if you're good
EnoUgh to pass a
m edical history test
to give me the birth
O f my children
We and our children
Can jump in the sunshine
as long as the FBI
doesn't want to shoot
you in your privates
Meet me at the airport
and kiss me three
Times
I will bake you something
i can fry in a
bucket..
thank you cause you
are HAndsome when
I looked at your
pRofile and I knew that
yOu would not Put
mE down and make me
cry when i read about
it in the newspaper..#

Ok guys listen up.
It's high time we group
Together and make a
Battle plan if we are
going to survive the
Feline tribe..
I've sent scouts into
The CS maiden camps
And I'm told they've
Been beating the
War drums
They were seen building
Bamboo cages and
Dancing around the
Fire wearing tiger
Skin bikini's chanting,
"Enslave the men!"
Wow!
My therapist weeped
When I told him
This news, but he
Went and made a
Reservation for his
Own personal
Captivity
We need at least
Ten guys with
Six pack abs
If the felines
See our muscles
They might be
To fearful to
Invade our
Camp
I was captured
Once before and
Dangled in a bamboo
Cage being fed
Nothing but three
Grapes a potato
Chip
They teased me
With their tanned
Island skin bodies
They plastered my
Face with their
Jungle lipstick and
Coconut perfume
Even though I wept
And screamed for
Mercy their hearts
Remained hardened
I was dragged to
The village and
Forced to give
Back and foot
Rubs
They tortured me
With their pearly
White teeth and
Electric green
Eyes
I shed a tear as
I write this tale
Of woe
Have I offended
The gods that I
Should deserve
Such a fate?
I can only hope
That this message
Gets to you before
It's to late..
Oh, what suffering
We must endure
In this world! Lol.
Cafe

The difinitive guide to soulmates

---

1. A soulmate is a woman who saw
me standing on the street corner
staring aimlessly into space and
said hello anyway because I
looked so pathetic.
2. She would be a woman who
could find the purple sock I
lost when I was 13 years old.
3. She would not be upset
with me because I had a
prior love affair with our
Thanksgiving turkey.
4. She does not criticize
me when the priest has
to come to our house
two times a month and
perform an exorcism
on me.
5. She does not put me
down in front of relatives..
she never tells them I
spent 7 days in the bathroom
singing songs to the
Queen of England
8. She convinces her
mother not to blow me
away with a shotgut because
I might be an international
treasure worth some money
some day
9. She restrains herself from
hanging me with her wedding
dress
10. She said she didn't mine
if I had a pet in the house
until I brought home a sixty
foot Anaconda I stold
from the local zoo
11. She looked at me strangely
when the FBI busted down
the church doors and carried
me out of Sunday morning
bible class
12. She said I needed to improve
on my math skills because I
believed that six was four on
Monday, and seven might be
eight on Tuesday, but if nine
were actually nine then I
should seek therapy
13. And then she said with
a smile, " I love you so much!"

There it is guys! If you can
find a woman to put up
with all your stuff, then
you gotta Soulmate!

Cafe
Lol.

Where am I? I don't know who
I am..
I bumped my head on a wall
and after that my whole life
was erased my memory
They told me to write on
this site in hopes it would
jar my memory
They told me that I wrote
poetry and that there was
a woman who lived in
a Bamboo cage who
had my phone number
They said she wanted
to lay a frying pan
upside my head
Why?
Did her mother
Report me to
the police?
My roommate said
that I was an
astronaut and
I was living on
a horse farm
My doctor told me
not to believe
what my roommate
said
I took a walk in
the woods and
stood there until
a moose told me
to go back
home
I think I am
confused
Have you seen
me before?
Did my country
send me to the
planet Mars?
I don't know
I voted in this
last election but
the countries
government said
that my vote didn't
count because I
was not allowed
to vote for
a fly
I need help
Call the doctor
if you recognise
me
They said I live
in a house that's
down the street
And could you
please buy me
a chili dog?
Yours truly,
Limbo man
Lol.

Hi.
i saw your profile in the phoTo
you made.
Are you a. Moviestar sir ?
I for myself raise monkeys
on a island iN the
SoUth Pacific
I make $375,000
for each of every year
I like older Men even
Though I'm only 23
I have 5 degrees from
Harvard, I also work on
the space station in
outter space
This way I can feed
My moNkeys well
I am Willing to come
to your country if
you tell youR pastor
that you will pUT
the golden ring
On my finger
T hen on our honeymoon
we can go to Egypt
and did up
Mummies!
Hope to hear from
you sOon.

i am me by name

Your call may be monitored
for security purposes.

Press #1 if you are looking
for a CS male date and would
like to listen to an audio of
their delusional ramblings.

Press #2 if your last CS
male date was either
captured running naked
through the woods or
sentenced to death
by gas chamber

Press #3 if the last date
we sent you was no more
romantic than the chewing
gum you pulled out of
your hair brush

Press #4 if you believe that
our selection of male dates
would be much happier
swinging in a Bamboo cage
in some undisclosed
jungle

Press #5 if you've wondered
why you didn't press
#1 through #4 earlier

Press #6 if you feel you feel you'll
go nuts if you have to press
one more number

Please stay on the line and
one of our representives
will assist you shortly..

Until then you can enjoy
two hours of our finest
elevator music

Thank you for waiting and
have a nice day.