Most Liked Humor Poems (1,865)

I am a handle to hold what the mind enfolds
soft in a lovers ear or quiet as a mothers tear
i can draw you close or make you run in fear
I can be long or short or one or two or in the middle too
I am the same for me and you but not the same its true
because I am the things my friends call me too

If Superman was fat,
Who would he be?
Maybe a pizza guy,
Or someone like me.

If Superman was sad,
How can we cheer him up?
Maybe bring a circus clown,
Or Morgan special brew tea in a cup.

If Superman was mad,
Who can save us from him?
Can we bring in Danny Davito,
Or me in my kryptonite spandex.

If Superman was a dad,
Won't have time to save the world,
With changing diapers and feeding,
Super babies in his pyjamas.

NOW THIS IS THE TALE OF YOUNG FREDDIE BLOOR.
WHOSE s*xual PARTS GOT JAMMED IN A DOOR.
BY THE TIME THEY HAD FREED HIM, HE DIN'T FEEL WELL,
FOR HIS POOR PRIVATE PARTS WE'RE ALL MANGLED TO HELL.

THEY RUSHED HIM TO HOSPITAL, THE AMBULANCE FLEW.
BY THE TIME THEY HAD GOT THERE, THERE WAS NOTHING THEY COULD DO.
POOR OLD FRED WITHOUT ANY CHOICE,
LEADS A LIFE OF NO SEX AND HAS A HIGH SQUEAKY VOICE.

BUT LUCKY FOR FRED, SO HE WOULDN'T FEEL A FOOL,
SOME BRIGHT SPARK INVENTED A BIONIC TOOL.
A BRIGHT NEW SHINY ONE, MADE OUT OF BRASS,
THOUGH THE BATTERIES WOULD HAVE TO BE KEPT UP HIS ARSE.

SO NEWLY EQUIPPED AND AFTER A REST,
FRED THOUGHT HE'D PUT HIS NEW TOOL TO THE TEST.
FINDING A WOMAN, THE NEAREST ONE HANDY,
HE PLIED HER WITH DRINK AND MADE HER FEEL RANDY.

SHE UNDID HIS ZIP AND PUT HER HAND ON HIS C**K,
BUT WHEN SHE WAS DOWN THERE, SHE HAD A BIG SHOCK!
"THAT'S MY BIONIC CHOPPER." FRED SAID. "AIN'T IT A BIG ONE?
COR BLIMEY SHE SAID. "I THOUGHT IT WAS A GUN!

SO F*****G AWAY FRED TURNED TO FULL BLAST.
HE DID NOT KNOW HID C**K WOULD NOT LAST.
WITH A "BANG!" FRED'S LEFT BOLLOCK SHOT INTO THE AIR,
THEY COULD NOT FIND THE OTHER NO BLOODY WHERE.

SO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE WHAT THEY COULD DO.
"WE HAVE A SPARE ONE, THAT'S LUCKY FOR YOU".
SO ONCE MORE EQUIPPED AND AFTER A READ,
FRED CONNECTED HIS TOOL TO A PLUG AND A MAINS LEAD.

GOOD OLD FRED, NOW HE DON'T HAVE TO TRY,
FOR NOW HE'S AC/DC AND CAN GO WITH A GUY.

THE END.

A tank full of water, a bowl filled with pee,
I drank from the toilet and now I can't see.

you're a bastard bastard, bastard bastard
bastard with a sting
A total bastard, bastard bastard, bastard bastard
bastard with a sting
Oh you bastard bastard, bastard bastard
bastard with a sting
Malicious bastard, bastard bastard, bastard bastard, bastard
bastard with a sting

Hi Pearl
WHERE'S THE RENT?
You don't have to raise your voice
YOU PAY NOW!
I can give you half
YOU PAY NOW, B@#$&!
Hey, don't talk to me like that, ok
I'M TIRED OF THIS CRAP!
Hey, I thought I was clear in my email that I need a couple weeks
I WORK TOO HARD
Can I just get two more weeks
I WANT MY MONEY
You need to relax
YOU'RE AN A@@#$%&
I WANT MY MONEY B@#$&!
Don't call me b@#$&, I'm a grown man!
B@#$& B@#$& B@#$&
You're mean
Don't make fun of me crying
YOU'LL BE EVICTED
I'm not doing so well Pearl
I PUT YOU ON THE STREETS
Pearl, I'm gonna pay you. I'm working three jobs right now
I'm working nights. I'm driving a cab
I'm inside right now with my buddy going over my resume
I'M GONNA SMACK YOU
Ok, you know what, you need to relax
I WANT MY MONEY!!
Why do you need your money so fast, come on
I NEED TO GET MY DRINK ON
You scare me. You're an alcoholic
CAN I HAVE FOUR BEERS?
Seriously, you're an alcoholic. Yeah, you're drunk, I knew it
You're already drunk
I'M JUST BUZZED
Look, you're in no condition to deal with this right now
I'M TAKING MY BEER
Just take your beer and get out of here ok
Yeah, we'll talk tomarrow
This isn't over
COME MOMMY

A group of girlfriends on vacation,
Find a five story hotel with a sign that reads,
"For Women Only Destination,"
And decide this will serve their current needs.

A good looking bouncer at the door,
Explains to them how the hotel works,
They can choose to stay on any floor,
If they are happy with that floor's perks.

So they go to the first floor but in vain,
For a sign there written in large text,
Says,"All the men here are short and plain,"
They laugh and move up to the next.

The second floor's sign still presents a problem,
And just doesn't satisfy their desire,
The men here are only short and handsome,
So they decide to move to a floor higher.

The third floor's sign reads that the men are tall and plain,
They still want better and with two floors left,
They decide there could be much more to attain,
Surely the next floor won't leave them bereft.

On the fourth floor the sign is more exciting,
All men here are tall and handsome for sure,
They start to go in, it is so inviting,
But wonder what they'll miss on the fifth floor.

They move to the fifth floor and read the sign,
"There are no men here," it states with caution,
For the floor was built only to define,
That there is no way to please a woman!

Ten little girlfriends looking so fine,
One obsessed with religious cults,
And then there were nine.
Nine little girlfriends going out so late,
The demons would attack one,
And then there were eight.
Eight little girlfriends searching for heaven,
One never told the truth,
And then there were seven.
Seven little girlfriends so full of tricks,
One wanted everything,
And then there were six.
Six little girlfriends were just so alive,
One sought perfection,
And then there were five.
Five little girlfriends always wanting more,
One desired money,
And then there were four.
Four little girlfriends couldn't agree,
One always argued,
And then there were three.
Three little girlfriends wouldn't pursue,
One couldn't leave the past,
And then there were two.
Two little girlfriends basking in the sun,
One couldn't cope with age,
And then there was one.
One little girlfriend had charm by the ton,
But he couldn't see it,
And then there was none.

Here I sit all crisp and sweet
Just waiting for our lips to meet
To feel you as you savour my juice
I know you’ll let my flavour loose

Sip me slowly and I will please
Your every sense I will tease
Flavour that will blow your mind
A new experience you’ll find

Lift me up and drink me dry
As you empty me I know you’ll sigh
Your fingers around my stem entwine
I so long to be your glass of wine

Tired of the same old boring headlines
we read in the newspapers everyday? Well,
let not your heart be troubled. Here is a
short list of possible headlines I've
created which might possibly catch your
attention.

1. Nassa's Hubble Telescope discovers
a roll of toilet paper on Mars!

2. Cannibal arrested for breaking into
medical lab and eating Einstein's brain.

3. Hillary Clinton's 35,000 missing emails
was discovered today in an ancient Mayan
temple.

4. Police seek large stray cat involved
in murder plot.

5. All school buses to be equipped with
surface-to-air missiles.

6. Doctor's announce that a liberal
application of chicken dung a sure
cure for acne.

7. Supreme court passes law requiring
all political candidates to be clinically
insane while serving in office.

8. A top Hollywood modeling executive
announces that leprosy is now trending.

9. Lonely bachelor to wed circus horse.

10. Thirteen year old boy builds Hydrogen
bomb in bedroom.

11. Possessing genitals to be outlawed
in seven states.

12. Donald Trump is caught groping an
Orangutan at national zoo.

13. Rare footage of Hitler weeping at
a baby shower.

14. White house to be relocated to Las
Vegas equipped with pool tables, a sushi
bar, and strip club.

15. Local funeral parlor owner confesses
to police that seventy percent of the
people they burried were still alive.

16. Eighty year old woman gives birth to
sextuplets in phone booth.

17. Pentagon hands over 'nuclear code'
to transient.

18. A midwestern wheat farmer plows up
a mysterious object which turned out to
be the actual biblical Ark of the Covenant. Inside the ark was found a
petrified loaf of manna, Arron's rod,
and Moses' high school graduation picture.

Feel free to to add to this list. Lol.