Most Liked Humor Poems (1,865)

We were just teenagers when you
told me your secret
I wish you never had..
Standing in your mothers kitchen
your eyes lit up when you described
what you had found and you grabbed
me and made me swear that I'd
never reveal the secret
When your mother passed away many
started asking questions and you feared
that your secret might soon be discovered,
and so important was it to you that you
vowed to destroy anyone who might steal
your treasured find
Who would have guessed that things would
have been taken this far, but here I hide and
the barking of police dogs threaten to close
in on me
The first to fall was the mailman who seemed
a bit to clever in his manner of questioning
and you persuaded me to dispose of his
body in a neighbors trunk
Then there was your uncle followed by your
aunt and the bodies began to pile up til the
local landfill authorities began to close in
on us
We were over our heads with no turning
back
The newspapers heard about the secret
and we had to bury reporter after reporter
til your backyard had no space to contain
the bodies
The number of the dead was competing
with the local cemetery and eventually
the law caught up with us
The dogs now closing in on me I came
out of hiding with my hands raised
After hours of interrogation the cops
finally broke me
What was the great secret?
Just before your mother passed away
you had found her secret recipe for
baking apple pies and now it was yours
to keep
Perhaps that old saying is true after all..
'There's nothing sweeter than moms
apple pie.' Lol

As I watch you being escorted to our table
I'm no longer able to sit in my chair
I see those other women stare
I don't really care
I'm so excited to see you
I wanna pull my hair
You're the reason I'm here
My you look so Devine
I ordered some red wine
Now I wanna check out your behind
Oh it looks so fine
I wish we had more time
I m gonna make you all mine
Baby I'm gonna take my time
I see you're red
It's okay my love
What a rush I feel
Tell me this is real
As I move in closer
Your scent is like heaven
Tell me do you taste as good as you smell
I'm gonna gently
Nibble on you nice
And Yet very slow
Savor your taste
Mmmmm I think
Im In Love!

When it is my time please place marble stones from head to feet
Also Bring a birthday cake and a circus clown with a trampoline
Have a standup comedian to speak at my eulogy
Surely Dave Chapelle will have me pushing up daisies
Drink a lot of happy sauce and only think of happy thoughts
While playing quarters on my casket and doing crazy body shots
No formal dismal colors come like you're dressed for a parade
To honor those who've passed and with our lives we celebrate
If nothings to be said about the dash between my birth and death
Just know I lived it to the fullest and I always did my best
Im going way beyond the moon further past a trillion stars
To the beginning of forever in a form without my scars
With a pocket full of dreams that I will spread across the skies
As a reminder there is hope and that we''ll never have to say goodbye

~ JJF ~

Stir stir bubble and boil
Churn churn in loves
sweet toil
This maidens lure is one
smooth lotion
She'll never resist this seductive
potion
Sprinkle exotic herbs and she's
bound to squeal
Add a few strange grapes and
she'll surely kneel
O, naughty naughty simmer and
bake
O, wilt thou taste this wizards cake?

I had a new crush
It turned to mush
I'm so glad I didn't rush
For you are a lush
Now I'm left feeling blue
Nothing you said was true
You didn't follow through
I can't tell a lie
You took me for a ride
Even hurt my pride
In the end you couldn't pretend
Last night my phone rang
It was your girl friend
On the other end
I don't think she was looking
To be my friend
When she told me
You lived with she
I laughed so hard
I thought I was gonna pee
For you are nothing
But a wee of a man

Down around ankles were his trousers
as he caressed her he said wowzers
finding there no lady
it was all so shady
as he always seemed to pick posers

written 05/22/2014

Many truths becomes hidden lies,
Deceit feigning absolute honesty,
Friends becomes bitter enemies,
Once foes now forever friends!

What has befallen on this world?
How can bad reverse to good??
Or light turn into darkness???
This makes no sense at all!

Next time man can fly and swim,
Birds will start to speak and sing,
The dead will be brought back to dance,
And same sex can consummate legally.

You tell me this is all logical,
Fishes cant fly and elephants swim,
This planet is not even spining anticlockwise,
And let me remind you the earth is flat!

As a woman I have never seen such passion,
your animated from head to toe,
it is cute in some sort of fashion,
but realistically something has to go,

Every four years you become this way,
swearing allegiance and devotion to a team,
how I wish you could do this for me from day to day,
true love is not really what is seen,

This game has a pattern and certain rules,
so now I am adding some to this life of ours,
we too can have some very silky moves,
a bit like golf with bogeys and pars,

I will consider a prize for a successful win,
penalties can be harsh if they lose,
you may be allowed to take this chassis for a spin,
one full week forfeiture of booze,

If by chance the teams just draw,
no recriminations or analysis of game,
then you will get a smile and nothing more,
too much overkill could drive me insane,

During the weeks I will try to do my best,
persevering with lots of smiles and love,
praying the group stages fail like all the rest,
with a wicked smile my hands will hold you like a glove.

Once a pun a TIm e.. ¥
2
+9

---

= 4
ANy wa y. On ce a pond a t ime
a wom@n went to
LIVE I n thE woods
She ESCAPED from the IRS.. $
She said thE IRS was a Whore$

She traveled dow n a Narrow path
And a green Chicken chewed on
h er shoe strinG@
BUT WHO CARES AnyWay????

Then it rained cats
AND DOgs, and she
Ate them All!
Amen

As i walk through the bush with the wind blowing my hair. I looked up an saw birds sailing through the air Then one dove down an i did leap straight in a dung heap. I was covered in odor. How i wished i could have got a cold shower but not until i reach home which was for another hour. As i continued through the bush i heard a sound that i did not like, mosquitoes those pesky buggerz always bite. They came at me left an right. I ran with all my might. Straight into a bee nest that did not sound right. I got stung on both knees an i begged god to forgive whatever i done please. My a** got numb boy was i ever dumb. Not me going in the bush even if u gave me one lil push.