Most Liked Humor Poems (1,865)

Only in a horror flick could you see titties in outer space
I guess its the only way to sell a movie not the killers giving chase
Not the story behind the giant leprechaun or the man behind the mask
But the thirty something year old teens who love to show off all their a**
And everyone should know to follow the rules if you want to live
So I simply avoid going in the woods and staying in a creepy a** cabin
Stereotypically the first to go is the one African American
Then the guy who investigates that sound is usually one of many Caucasians
The Asians have the wrathful ghost who probably died from suicide
But everyones gets eaten by a horde of zombies who walk slower than an apple pie
And don't forget the idiot who said that he'd be back
While the other pragmatic morons try to rationalize their unusual mishaps
Seemingly theres an urban myth a lesson to not go against the grain
Like doing drugs and drinking and all the "do not's" our parents say
Therefor I'll always leave the car running even if its over night
So I don't drop my keys while frantically trying to get inside
And I will attend an AA meeting before a weekend spent at summer camp
Then satisfy my urges by watching late night Skinimax
And only hang with Hispanics, because with any other race Im surely doomed
But clearly Im always thinking that I'll only have to outrun you
And if or when the killer comes I will quickly put a bullet in it's head
Than chop him up in tiny pieces to make sure the f**kers dead
But as corny as they may be I will alway be their biggest fan
Nothing like a horror movie especially when they make me laugh
~ JJF ~

Daddy Daddy !
You're the man!
Promise to throw my
trash in a can!
I'm your biggest fan!
Now come hold my hand !
Everyday you make me smile !
This has been going on for a while!
I feel like a child !
Sometimes even wild !
I know your always there !
With the touch of the phone !
Daddy Daddy!
Please
Take her drunk
a** home !
I wrote you a poem!
Promise not to roam !
You know I'm no lush !
I'm guilty of a crush !
Oh Daddy Daddy !
Promise to never be a fatty !
You can roll a fat one!
Have lots of fun !
Just don't smoke more then one !
For you might become
A fatty Daddy!!

Too much I cannot cope
Words just keep on floating
Clavicle, femur, cranium and more
The teacher sits there gloating

Sternum, scapula, mandible, patella
I think I lost their meaning
If I don’t pass this test
It will be ever so demeaning

1. Watching paint dry
2. Clipping my fingernails
3. Taking out the garbage
4. Watching Soap Operas
5. Giving my dog a bath
6. Exercising
7. Picking out socks
8. Hanging out with mom while she shops for clothes
9. Fishing for hours without a bite
10. Going to a Latin mass at a Catholic church
11. Recycling
12. Watching Jimmy Fallon try to be funny
13. Digging a ditch
14. Mowing the grass
15. Washing dishes
16. Making my bed
17. Eating at a sushi restaurant
18. Visiting a bar after midnight
19. Listening to really bad karaoke singers
20. Visiting relatives

A poet draws inspiration from just about anything
And who knows what type of poem it will bring
The words that will be written may make you smile or make make you cry
They may may make you say lets start over instead of goodby

I for one never know what the next line will be
But I do know they will be words that come from me
I never want to use words someone has said before
I want to say welcome as I hold open the door

Sometimes I look into the eyes of someone I may never know
But something stirs and in my words it began,s to show
I guess it words I would say if I were at your side
Maybe its words you,ve heard before but he lied

Im smiling now as I wonder how this little poem will end
A little chuckle as I relize I didnt know how it would begin
If you know what the ending should be please feel free
Sometimes a poet needs a little push and thats whats happen to me

Blame it all on my roots
I showed up in a suit
And ruined your laid back affair
Last one to know
Last one to show
I was the last one you'd thought you'd see there
And I saw the surprise
And the fear in his eyes
When I took his glass of Budwieser
I toasted you
Said Honey we may be through
But you'll never hear me complain
Cause I got friends in high places
Where the champagne drowns and wine chases my blues away
And I'll be ok
Well I'm pretty big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the Bahamas
Oh I've got friends in high places
Well I guess I was wrong I just don't belong
But then I've been there before
Everything's alright
I'll just say goodnight
And I'll show myself to the door
Hey I didn't mean to cause a big scene
Just give me an hour and then
Well you'll be as high as that ivory tower that I'm living in!

What I know
I don’t know
Is that how I go
Do I need to show
How slow

Or, what I don’t know
I need to know
Like a black crow
Or white snow

If I only knew
What I don’t know
Would I be blue
And cats still mew

I wish I knew
All that I know
If I could remember
That day in November
Oh shoot! I lost my boot
Was I wearing a business suit

I’ll be using what I know
In this crazy world of show
Although, if I knew
Would that start a coup
Or place me in a queue

If I could only remember
What happened in September
And if I only knew
I could certainly tell you

If knowledge is power
Just pick the red flower
Take your shower
Head to the tower
And, please, stay there an hour

It probably will take you that long to remember
What in the hell you did in December
Because if you don’t know
What you knew
How in the world can I tell you!

Ode to Online Dating Sites:

This entity we call dating "online"
Is designed to make us really feel "fine"
But in the larger reality
It may be a form of insanity
We all truly believe it's ok
So we practice everyday

Desiring to make that perfect connection
We have no phone to even hear a voice inflection
It takes a certain amount of conviction
To focus and contemplate our selection
No one wants any rejection only attention
So our minds begin the process of introspection
And that one beautiful exception

Are we holding out for perfection?
Or just dreading a disconnection!
This online dating is like an infection
At some point we may need an inoculation
But not before you complete that chemistry section!
So we know we're heading in the right direction

If we live too far
That may be deal breaker
We don't want to use our car
Because one of us could be a faker
I guess people do get together
In, I presume, all kinds of weather
It all seems so surreal

To believe a profile can appeal
To the one you seek for the rest of your life
Whether it be a husband or a wife
Here's to online dating - "cheers"
I am so glad we are all here!


Wiggle your mouse and contact someone special
It won't be that awful or too stressful
There's always "delete"
So you don't have to repeat
Any mistakes on your way to success
Let's all be very extra careful
And hope we get to that next level!

I WON A POETRY CONTEST© by Barbara Cronin Harrington

I entered a contest, surprised I had won
Along with another thousand and yet some.
Only $50.00 to buy the leather bound book,
With my poem in it was to be the hook.

Proud t'was I to see my poem in print
Before I recovered, a new email was sent
With yet another offer…my name upon a plaque
Only $70 was the cost… but quickly must I act.

But that was not the end of it,
My poem was put to sound
On tapes, CDs and books galore
For just a hundred dollars more.

Though the price was mighty high
The benefits were worth the try
I'd read my winning poem aloud
amid a cheering thunderous crowd

Before I could respond and write a big fat check,
There was still more… the biggest yet,
News so great, it was music to my ear
I was now named Poet Of The Year.

And this is the winning poem…

I went for a pizza and to my delight
Stood Elvis before me, all rhinestones in white
Stunned, I was speechless but finally said,
"My God, Mister Presley, I heard you were dead!"

"How rumors do fly," the pelvis did say,
"I had it with work, so I just slipped away
Got tired of show biz, cavorting and swinging
Of women and booze and carousing and singing."

"Off went my sideburns, my hair I dyed white
Went on a diet until fifty pounds light
Wore a gray flannel suit that came with a vest
And sat in the park, as birds will attest."

"I soon became bored and worse than that, broke
For I needed to work and that was no joke
Filled with depression, my destiny blue
Until I remembered what best I could do."

"My swivel and wiggle reborn with a grin
When my pasta is tossed in the air with a spin,
My spirits elated, I no longer feel low,
So now I make pizza...I'm rolling in dough."


EPILOGUE

Shocked was I to see this guy
Who some believe had long gone by,
Rumors abound that the hipster t’were found
And he wasn't six feet underground

Twas just by luck, for the very first time
That I should learn of a contest to join
So I entered Elvis, and would you believe won,
Along with a hundred thousand and then some.

Of course you are
You're the star
Step right in
Let's begin

What are you going for
20,30,40,50 or more
You better keep score
There are she devils
And he devils

The whole crazy gosh darn lot
Contact someone tell 'em what you got
Go on mate
Look for a "date"
Before its too late

Nice! I think you've got it
This will be sort of like a hit
Have you ever inhaled
Been jailed
Or nailed
What about failed
Impaled

Oh geesh I went too far
Did you know I play the guitar

You want to build up your rapport
So you can keep looking for
The bestest one you adore
We're like a little candy store

Now did you say you like the shore
What about the dance floor
Do you snore
You have money so you're not poor
That's great and totally understood
Well done, really, really good

Wait..just hold on minute
Don't say anymore
I met you before
Aren't you Iknowhowtospinit

Oh, but you're new on here
Of course you are
Your "hello" is great
Like some kind of bait
Do we look like fish
Yeah...you wish

Good luck
You F.....k

No I'm not going to say it
I'm sweet, I just delete
And trust me, its for your benefit
Stop the insane delusional repeat
And retreat

We've got all your numbers
Hey, do you like cucumbers